Taco Tuesday

We live in a world where tacos are awesome, alcohol is necessary and money is sometimes so hard to come by that the only way to get any is to suck it out of a stranger’s dick. After acknowledging these facts, it becomes clear that life is little more than a thinly veiled scavenger hunt to find the best(cheapest) tacos and cheapest(worst) booze. In the same place...on a Tuesday.



There are hundreds of taco themed specials on Tuesday nights around Philadelphia, due, of course, to the city's renowned love of alliteration. But we don't want to use up all of your internet, so I'll only be covering three. Which, because I am lazy and lack journalistic integrity, were chosen based solely on their proximity to my home and/or work; Tattooed Moms, Barbarella and Dos Segundos. 



For continuity purposes I will go to each of these establishments and order 3 veggie tacos, one Tecate and one shot of well tequila. 3 because I am fat. Veggie because I won't eat meat that only costs $1 and isn't a hotdog(conversely, I won't eat a hotdog that costs more than $1. Both possible byproducts of catholic upbringing). Tecate because I'll be eating one dollar fucking tacos and washing those down with good beer doesn't even make sense. And well tequila because I hate myself and deserve to suffer.

Check out the review of Tattooed Mom's after the break.




Tattooed Mom's

First stop, Tattooed Mom's, a bar on south street between 5th and 6th with a nice first floor for food or a couple drinks and a not nice upstairs for no food and a lot of drinks. They run a $1 meat/veggie taco special from noon-11pm every Tuesday, which affords not only a low priced taco dinner, but also the option of cheap afternoon tacos and possibly getting fired from work for coming back from lunch drunk.

The first thing you'll notice about Tattooed Mom's is scattered about the bar/table are dollar store toys and ashtrays full of dum-dums. Your initial thought will be that they're trying too hard for a gimmick. Then you'll sit down and realize that, gimmicky or not, free toys and candy are pretty much the best things you can put in front of a drunk that aren’t drugs or naked. Plus, if you've never chased a shot of tequila with a butterscotch lollipop, you're a fucking idiot. Here's your chance to remedy that.

The next things you'll pick up on are the crowd and the music, both of which are noticeably eclectic. There are everyday regulars and Taco Tuesday regulars. But it's a center city bar, so all types wander in for a drink on any given day. It's the kind of bar where you're not going to feel out of place no matter how crazy or hip or normal you like to pretend that you are, and you're bound to run into someone interesting to strike up a conversation with.



The jukebox is old school with a fixed selection. No touchscreen, super search or play next options. After you toss in a few bucks and start paging through the track lists you’re going to come across some great songs that you haven't heard in a while and end up spending your last couple credits on bands you've never heard of to check out something new. The best part is you don't have to listen to whatever pop song is playing on the radio every 15 minutes this month. Not a bad place to visit once a week.

Drink time: Sit down. Order. No Tecate. Son of a bitch. Instead, they offer 16oz PBR, like a bigger grosser American-er Tecate. Some people may see the extra 4oz of beer -or the PBR itself- as a step up over a 12oz Tecate. Those people can suck every single one of my dicks. If you're old enough to frequent bars do not drink PBR on purpose and never pay more than $1.50 for it in a non-show atmosphere. However, in the interests of pseudo-journalism and getting straight up taco drunk (in as fiscally responsible a manner as possible) PBR is the option here. Luckily, drinking well tequila is like chugging polluted ocean water while getting punched in the throat, so afterword PBR is more than acceptable.

 Side note, their well tequila is Tortilla. You don’t recognize the name because no one drinks Tortilla tequila and remembers what they were drinking

Taco time: When your "vegetarian bean tacos" arrive they will look exactly like you expect $1 tacos to look. Hard shell, dollop of refried bean-mush, some lettuce, diced tomato and a bit of cheese. Not bad. Not great. Eh. But better than taco bell and once you smother them in the ample supply of sour cream and mild taco sauce provided, you get your dollars worth.

Three tacos($3), 16oz PBR($2.50) and a shot of well tequila($3.50) adds up to an alright meal and a quick buzz for $9. $3.50 is pricey for a shot of bottom shelf anything, but it is center city. $2.50 is a good deal for a tall boy, but its PBR. The tacos are mediocre at best, but they're only $1. Free dum-dums for dessert. There is no "but" for that part.

Overall, Tattooed Mom's itself is a great place to hang out, but skip the tacos, spend a few extra bucks to get something from their regular menu (which is actually good), get a beer on tap, hit up the juke box and hangout with whoever walks in the door that night. You'll have a better time. But hey, if you're broke in the city on a Tuesday or just love tacos, it ain’t a bad way to blow your last few bucks.


Check back in a week for our next stop, Cantina Dos Segundos. A Mexican bar/restaurant just off of 2nd and Poplar, the second location of Cantina Los Caballitos in South Philly.