Taco Tuesday Review 3: The Final Tacoing (alternate title: Tacopocolypse! (altnerate title B: Taco Taco Taco))

It has become startlingly clear that someone or something does not want this article to be completed. First, the final segment of Taco Tuesday Review was postponed for a week because apparently my girlfriend has too refined of a palette for a birthday dinner of one dollar tacos at a dive bar. Sorry, princess. That one I chalked up to life getting in the way of tacos. Thats gonna happen sometimes. I let it go. I kept my cool. But then, one week later, Barbarella ends their Taco Tuesday special without even telling me. Read on after the jump.



Thats right, last Tuesday, fellow Mishap Press contributors Sean and Matthew attempted to “enjoy” some $1 tacos at Barbarella, only to find the doors locked and building empty. I may or may not have been hiding behind a parked car around the corner at the time, wanting to arrive fashionably late before aggressively reviewing some tacos. Like really getting in there and reviewing the shit out of them, you know? But instead, my cohorts and I were forced to abandon our plans and walk almost 3 entire blocks to get drunk at a bar SANS TACOS. Yeah, sans. Not being a nerd, I don’t do research so I don’t know if Barbarella’s Taco Tuesdays are permanently cancelled or if last Tuesday was an aberration. I’m aware that thats kind of my job here, but your google probably works as good as mine so lets all just settle down before things get out of hand. What I do know for sure is that they had their chance to feed me tacos and liquor and they blew it. They blew it big time.

So the question is, who’s fault is all of this? Is it my fault for procrastinating? No. Absolutely not. What the hell is wrong with you? After ruling myself out, and having seen both Ghost Busters documentaries, the natural assumption was obviously ghosts. But over time, paranoia and alcohol caused that theory to snowball and eventually, admittedly, spiral completely out of control to the point where I’m now reasonably sure that God, the great ghost king himself, is responsible. He is against me, and so by proxy, against tacos and against you.

Does he hate tacos? Was he offended by the sheer hubris of my intent to review three Taco Tuesday specials? Perhaps it was not the endeavor itself, but the brazen confidence and indefatigable stamina with which I set about reviewing every taco in sight that angered him? Maybe it was something you did? Probably the last one, but I’m not sure, I’m not a theologian. What is certain, however, is that Taco Tuesdays at Barbarella are CANCELED...probably...for some reason. Anyway, thanks a lot whoever's being a dick. I guess I’ll just pay full price for tacos now, because I’m fucking made of money.

“Why doesn't he just go somewhere else next week and use that experience to finish the article instead of this gibberish?”, you may think to yourself. “Maybe this jitbag should stop trying to tell me how to live my life before I hit him with a fucking brick”, I might think back. Maybe I've seen enough of life to know that some things are just not meant to be. Maybe I have trouble improvising once a plan's been compromised. Or maybe I’m bored of eating cheap tacos and drinking liquor that is so bad it may actually be poison just to write about it for a bunch of thankless whores (Not you, you're cool. You’re fly as hell. I like your shoes.). I don’t know which it is, like I said, I'm not a theologian. I just know that its over, leaving behind a beautiful blur of memories, a series of emotionally scarring taco shits, the memories of which I’m working with several unconventional therapists to repress, and a couple of really impressive hangovers. Like seriously impressive. Don't drink large amounts of bottom shelf tequila. It is dumb. It is a dumb thing to do. Don’t stoop to my level. You’re better than that. You can make something of yourself. Stay in school.

And so, cut down in my taco prime, I admit defeat, abandoning my quest to review three taco specials, leaving you with only two. Unsatisfied and resentful and wishing you'd made some better choices. Which is kind of my style so you might wanna get used to it. I will however, do you the favor of a brief summation of what I learned throughout this journey.

Foremost, given the tacocentricity of these ramblings, the best tacos: Cantina Dos Segundos, hands down. Their food is fantastic. It is delicious and they give you a lot of it, so if your goal for the night is to put good things in your mouth and not be hungry afterword, go to Dos Segundos. But, if you want to get drunk its gonna cost you some actual money, and you’re not going to have the best time hanging around there after finishing your meal. Go in, get food, get out, go back next time you’re hungry.

Tattooed Moms is pretty much the opposite. I recommend their tacos if you're already drunk or need something in your stomach and only have a sweaty wad of crumpled ones in your pocket. Otherwise, eat somewhere else and then go there for some drinks and a good time. Its a bar, thats what its there for. I also can’t stress enough how much I enjoy their jukebox and the positive effect that can have on a night out.

Barbarella doesn’t offer a Taco Tuesday special at the moment, so its dead to me. I'm sorry Barbarella, but you broke my heart. I was inside of you, full of tacos and awful tequila when I decided to start this whole taco review mess, and look at us now.

That’s pretty much all I’ve got, fellas. Eat at Cantina Dos Segundos, drink at Tattooed Moms, don't go to Barbarella on a Tuesday. If you agree/disagree or care, in any way, about my tacopinions (like that? You can borrow it) let me hear it. I might respond, we might become best friends, I might crash on your couch for a few days, you might find some things around your house missing, you might never see me again. You'll never know unless you try.

Or, if you know of anything else around Philly that you’d like my completely biased opinion on, let me know about it. Even if its not related in any way to tacos. I'll probably check it out and could even write about it. I’ve got a lot of free time and I'm easily influenced.